Why pick on Newsweek?
Why not????
NEXT WEEK IN NEWSWEAK!
A don't miss special commemorative TRIPLE-ISSUE on the Most High and Holy Qu'ran Controversy! Yes, 30 pages of hard-hitting "reporting" as we dissect the lies, logomachy, and outright leg-pulls resulting from a little misunderstanding in our relentless search for news that you, our reader, can't find anywere else. And why can't you find it anywhere else? Because WE MADE IT ALL UP, THAT'S WHY! We have to fill up this thing every freakin' week, or the tables of optometrist's office WORLDWIDE will feature nothing but "Popular Mechanics"! Nobody reads the damn thing! In fact, we're so positive you won't read this far, we'll let you in on a secret: We don't even HAVE any reporters on staff here! We let the night janitorial staff type in whatever they want! If it looks good, WE PRINT IT! The guy that parks my car? "An informed source in the transportation industry"! The goof at the Pump-n-Hump gas station? "An informed source in the energy industry. We call him Deep Slurpee!" That half-crazy mailman that talks to invisible dogs on his route? "A government source"! Ol' Kate Graham's Depends would be soggier than a Koran in a Porti-Potty if she knew exactly what she was getting for all the money she pays us! Ha Ha! Ooops, better take care of the yuppy "speed-reading" types who can stay awake long enough to scan to the end: Yes, that's NEWSWEAK! America's most trusted and respected news magazine! Pick up a copy today!
NEXT WEEK IN NEWSWEAK!
A don't miss special commemorative TRIPLE-ISSUE on the Most High and Holy Qu'ran Controversy! Yes, 30 pages of hard-hitting "reporting" as we dissect the lies, logomachy, and outright leg-pulls resulting from a little misunderstanding in our relentless search for news that you, our reader, can't find anywere else. And why can't you find it anywhere else? Because WE MADE IT ALL UP, THAT'S WHY! We have to fill up this thing every freakin' week, or the tables of optometrist's office WORLDWIDE will feature nothing but "Popular Mechanics"! Nobody reads the damn thing! In fact, we're so positive you won't read this far, we'll let you in on a secret: We don't even HAVE any reporters on staff here! We let the night janitorial staff type in whatever they want! If it looks good, WE PRINT IT! The guy that parks my car? "An informed source in the transportation industry"! The goof at the Pump-n-Hump gas station? "An informed source in the energy industry. We call him Deep Slurpee!" That half-crazy mailman that talks to invisible dogs on his route? "A government source"! Ol' Kate Graham's Depends would be soggier than a Koran in a Porti-Potty if she knew exactly what she was getting for all the money she pays us! Ha Ha! Ooops, better take care of the yuppy "speed-reading" types who can stay awake long enough to scan to the end: Yes, that's NEWSWEAK! America's most trusted and respected news magazine! Pick up a copy today!
posted by Sort-of-Mad Max at 8:38 PM
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