I feel pretty, oh so pretty........

FAMOUS BRAND FIZZLEOUTS, EXAMPLE #34:Here is a picture of the mascot for the little-known precursor of Green Giant brand frozen food; 'The Jolly Green Jagoff'.

"Maude, he's back. Call up Chemlawn and cancel the damn fertilizer service. Then fetch me my shotgun."

Just your typical lawn gnome....on Fire Island.

"Fie on thee, oh nefarious Sheriff of Nottingham! Do thy worst, it will ne'er faze my band of merry men! And what, pray tell, is this 'cavity search' thou speakest of?"

Shortly after Eddie 'Flathead' Stokowitz spotted this guy, 'Peter Pan' became 'Peter Pantsed', and the outdoor Halloween party dissolved into mayhem.

Famous last words:"Hi, Mr. Butkis, I'm here to take your daughter to the prom!"

"Governor McGreevey, we appreciate your input, we truly do; but we had another idea for the cover picture of your new book. Although 'Prince of Passiac, Queen of Hoboken' could work as the title...."

A Round Of Captions For The House!

I think we can stop filling the Strategic Cellulite Reserve any time soon now.

"Soylent Green is people! Now try new Soylent Orange, made from fat people! All the taste, twice the calories!"

Eddie "The Big Taco" Gonzalez resolved then and there not to hire the "Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Naked Tap-Dancing Steel Drum Band" for the grand opening of his next burrito stand.

"Right, Ma, I did ask for a set of drums 'with some heavy-duty skins on them' for my birthday, but actually I had a set of Ludwigs with 3-plys in mind......"

"Thanks for tuning to this episode of 'American Idol Goes to Yucatan!' We'll see you next week, if I don't blind myself in the meantime!"

By the time 'Big Eddie and the Polka Kings' finished their 11 pm version of 'Roll Out The Barrel', the portable cardiac shock paddles had shorted out and every paramedic in the Tri-County area was on their way to Sunny Acres Retirement Home.

"Okaaaaaay, so the 'Hit a road worker, go to jail' signs didn't get you lead-footed wise guys to slow down. So the 'Minimun $375 fine for speeding' signs didn't work either. See how you enjoy being naked traffic control pylons for the next 30 days! You can hold the 'Slow' sign in front of your face, or over your crotch; your choice."


Some of the drill instructors at Camp Cesar Chavez have a well-earned reputation for toughness; you do your job with finesse, or you end up chanting: "I must be gentle, the grapes not to harm; that's why I am standing naked on a barrel of Boone's Farm" for 4 or 5 hours.

"Let's have a big hand for the three finalists in the 'Mr. Janitor-in-a-Drum Contest', here on beautiful Fire Island! Next up, the floor buffing competition! Stay tuned!"

"Okay, Rocco, Guido, Tony; you idiots can get down now. Remember, Don Pasquale says the next f*ck-up you chooches pull, you'll be in those 55 gallon drums, not on them, capice? We don't call them 'Italian diving bells' for nothin'!"

"Please stay tuned to see who will win the 'Michael' in our remaining 3 catagories; 'Most Obviously Slanted Documentary', 'Most Obnoxious Documentary Narrator', and 'Most Egotistical, Bloated, Lying-Sack-Of-Crud Documentary Film Maker', right after a word from our sponsors!"