I'm going to borrow a brainwave from the wise and wonderful Gagdad Bob (Buy his book! And read it, too! Good for sorting out the pieces when your karma rear-ends your dharma.) That is, when inspiration lags, mine old posts at
http://littlegreenfootballs.com for your audience's enjoyment. So herewith find enclosed:
-As the goofs in Big Press breathlessly tote up casualties:
A SPECIAL WEB OFFER FOR READERS OF THIS WEBSITE!
-Don't miss this opportunity to cash-in on a major mistake by one of the leading sources of fine faux stoneware! It's time for YOU to have a beautiful example of media-approved statuary FOR YOUR VERY OWN! International Agglomnatron Industries, in association with Blammo! Products, are proud to announce an overstock sale on fine, genuine FAUXSTONE "Grim Milestones!" These fine examples of the moldmaker's art were ordered in quantity by major mass media outlets in the fall of 2005, and though many were used, large amounts remain unsold, and that means BIG BARGAINS FOR YOU! Originally $599.99, marked down to the amazing price of $39.99! THAT'S $39.99! Just in time for Halloween! And it will be the perfect gift for that Wiccan in your life for Solstice! Goths like 'em too! FAUXSTONE is also used for making fine items like "plastic" turkey centerpieces for festive holiday meals, and we all know that once made, these things last almost forever!
Since the overwhelming demand for "Grim Milestones" put a big dent in the original production, only 2 "Grim Milestones" per customer, please. Because informed media sources are sure there will be no tomorrow, ORDER TODAY! Just send $39.99 + $9.55 p&h to:
-GRIM MONUMENTS
3562 Sulzberger Street
Jayson Blair Terrace, NY 00001
Attn: Dan in the Mailroom
-Katrina hype at Air America:
For Immediate Release!
AIR AMERICA, the radio choice for real Americans who haven't sold their black repuglican souls to the Devil, is having a contest! A slogan contest! Yes, friends, we want your input! As you all know, the New Orleans area has suffered a major catastrophe soley due to the archfiend Bush's neglect of his duty! He didn't stop it! He can't fix it! He broke it, he bought it! AHHHAHAHHAHAHHAH!
Anyway, this is your chance to help change history! Try as we might, we can't fill in the blank in: "Bush _______, Thousands Died!" "Lied" has already been used for the Iraq catastroquagmire, so we need a new word! Evocative! Compelling! So get your aluminum thinking caps on, and finish the slogan! You could win one of many great cash prizes furnished by a major New York charity! Enter often!
Just send a money order (no checks) for $39.95 to cover, uh, handling and administration to: -
Bush Bad! Bad Bad Bad!
2126 BDS Parkway
Dept. YEEEEARRRRGGG!
Bellevue, NY. 00000
Do it for your country! Do it for Al Franken! Do it for our creditors! But DO IT!
(Did I ever mention how much I want to see Al Franken run for the Senate from Minnesota, as he's threatened to do? By the bloomers of Saint Hillary,
that would finally be something of Al's I could laugh at!)
-Jane Fonda's Excellent Bus Adventure:
New on Fox TV! What happens when Jane Fonda's lard-powered peace bus and Cindy Sheehan's ethanol-powered peace bus meet up at the Berkeley coop filling station? Wacky hijinks ensue! Tune in this fall for, "We're All Bozos On This Bus!" Co-starring Al Sharpton as "Fast-talk", and John Kerry as "The Cigar-Store Indian!" The whole country's gonna sing 'Kumbaya'! 8 pm eastern, 7 pm central, 5 am lunar time.
(Last I heard Jane had second thoughts......)
-After some blaff in the Egyptian press about how dangerous the US was, "especially....the Great Lakes":
"And in other news on Egypt Tonight: Our intrepid reporter in the Land of the Great Satan, Ahmed De Tahken-Hors has this update on Great Lakes violence:"
"Thank you Isben! I have confirmation of this extreme violence occuring on the US's inland freshwater seas from an informed confidential source! It seems gangs of infidel boaters are roaming the waters looting and pillaging, and this unrest is being covered up by the Repuglican dogs of the Booooosh administration."
"What can you tell us about the makeup of these gangs, Ahmed?"
"Well, there are the Thurstons, who cruise around in large power yachts with their painted infidel hussy women, fighting with the Rocco Flamefarts, a gang that speeds hither and thither in souped-up race boats with their painted infidel hussy women; great violence occurs when both gangs attempt to drain the marina gas tanks dry at the same time, and their painted infidel hussy women fight over the little lighthouse table lamps and the seagull wall plaques at the gift shops. Often large consumption of alcohol is involved."
"That's awful, Ahmed!"
"Yes! Often caught in the middle are the Children of the Wind, who float from port to port in unpowered vessels, usually recognizable from the great quantity of dirty laundry hanging from their masts. When they appear at the same time as the Thurstons and the Flamefarts, truly awful things occur. Great conflicts occur over umbrella drinks and other trivialities, and of course all three gangs' painted infidel hussy women converge on the gift shops and clothing stores, which results in scenes of anarchy I despair to describe. Surely the complete economic breakdown of this vital area is only a matter of time."
"We can only hope. This is Isben Rael, for Egypt Tonight!"
-After reading about some hippies and peace creeps in the jungle:
Dear Parental Mother Unit:
Greetings from the front line of the Struggle Against Imperialism and Fascism! I write to you from Camp Enormously Juicy Hugo! (at least that is the way my Blackberry translated it from the local lanquage) to let you know that, although your bankrolling of this trip in no way releases you from the enormous guilt of my attempted Bourgeois Upbringing, I am having a revolution-approved good time.
Throwing Off The Mind-Control Beams Of The BushMcChimpyHalliburton junta is more refreshing than I can say; I can only compare it to the great feeling of being the first to use the pit toilet, or finding a good Chinese tire carcass to make sandals for the People's Enormously Juicy Liberation/Anti-Fascist Army (That Blackberry is a life-saver!)
Last week the Leader Himself, Hugo Chavez Liberator Of The Common Man and Scourge Of All Oppressors spoke at our camp. I was so excited! My hutmate Sunshine O'Leary-Cohen and I did an interperative dance illustrating The Inevitable Socialist Victory Over Capitalist Fascist Running Dogs, and one of the Leader's aides gave us each a medal that said "Hero of the Venezualian Revolution!" He said it was patterned after a similar medal from a country named the USSR that used to be near Russia; I'm was so excited to hear that Socialism was used in other countries too! I will have to read up on this USSR thing when I get home; the library here just has Ted Rall books that someone has already colored, and old Superman comics with "Hugo" pasted over "Super". Definitely a sign of A Superior Socialist Society!
Time to turn this letter over to the censor, and start journaling with my Revolutionary Movement Of The Oppressed cell; then foraging for dinner.
Fear My Return To The Great Satan, Mindless Cog In The Doomed Oppression Machine!
Love, your oppressed offspring Caitlan.
PS. Please make sure Mao the goldfish gets enough food.
-And the follow-up:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE!
The Kraft Foods Corporation has recalled all 475,000 cases of its new Kool-Ade flavor, Enormously Juicy Hugo. Corporate spokesman Hyman Flakkatchah said, "We were trying for a hip, now, Latin, coop-shopping vibe in a drink for the new class-conscious consumer. We'll stick to grape from now on."
Problems with the product have included:
-Taste described as "the inside of Che Guevara's pants, after they shot him" or "the inside of Castro's shorts after a 4 hour speech."
-Side effects including nausea, cramps, inability to work or think clearly, lack of resistance to suggestion, loss of will to live, the yaws, and fatal bowel looseness.
-Indelible red coloring of the tongue, throat, hands, and anal area.
Mr Flakkatchah had no comment on whether this recall would affect rollout of Kool-Ade's other new flavor, Che Guavara.
Hope you liked this little walk down
the old trail of tears memory lane. Because there's more.
Much more. And I will post it, too.
