Your Eyes Too, Huh?

This picture accompanied question #52 on the state mortician's exam:"Please circle all the answers below that explain what is wrong with this embalming and viewing:"

#1: Forgot the casket.
#2: Propped up deceased in upright and unnatural position.
#3: Forgot that next-of-kin not only requested "closed casket", but "weld that sucker shut for the good of humanity"
#4: Applied makeup in the dark using recently sprained wrist and Graco 500 "DoublePumper" airless sprayer.
#5: Failed to make deceased not just appear "lifelike", but look like anything that ever lived on God's green earth.
#6: Substituted a dead wolverine for deceased's wig.
#7: Forgot that when making the deceased appear "they might just sit up and say something", that something is not supposed to be "YARRRRRRGH!"
#8: All of the above, plus other crimes too numerous to mention.

MY EYEEES!!!! Part II

"Well, you may feel "pretty, oh so pretty", but I just feel rather nauseous. "

"And Bubba says "They ain't enough cupholders in this hyar minivan! So I showed him just how wrong he was."

"Yes, when you ordered your drink "shaken and not stirred", Mr Bond, you obviously did not know that "and not lightly drooled on" is also an option here. Bwahahahahaha!"

"....So the bartender says, ' I was wrong, you two boobs can hold your liquor!"

"So the guy says, 'What cup size?' and I say, 16 ounces! He seemed disappointed....

Many people do not know that after the tragic death of Princess Grace, Prince Rainier of Monaco found another queen......That's because he had everybody who found out about 'Princess Big Gulp' killed.....

"This is nothing! My sister Lurleen could accommidate a pony keg between hers! She's worshipped as a goddess in parts of Wisconsin!"

My eyes! MY EYES!

"Andy Sullivan and I are going hiking! Which way to Brokeback Mountain?"

"Oh, yessth, Inspector Callahan, I feel very lucky!"

That's not just junk in the trunk, that's the whole landfill.

"The good news is, Miss Bach, we've found those original "Daisy Dukes" someone stole from your home. The bad news is, trust me, you don't want them back anymore."

Welcome! I'm your tour guide for 'Glory Holes of Olde San Francisco!' Please make sure to keep up with the group, or you'll get behind! Get it? Get behind! Oh, I just kill myself laughing!"

"Laugh all you want to, but this is my first visit to Chicago, and I'd never eaten a bag of White Castles before. And these jeans used to have a 33 inch inseam."

I see Paris, I see France, I'm putting a slug through my head so I don't see your underpants!

"In other news from Spain: General Francisco Franco is not only still dead, but he's happy he died before things like this appeared."

Osama Bin Laden's Bin Found!

And he's been playing guitar in a speed metal band. What could have given him away?

#1: "You think this axe is cool, you should see my other one..."
#2: Band name of "South Side Binny and the Afghani Pukes" made it all too obvious.....
#3: No drum solo in "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" cover; oh, the humanity....
#4: Groupies all wearing burkhas with "I'm With The Band" stenciled on the back.
#5: All his hits couldn't have been "Number One, with a Bullet!"
#6: The "M", "S", and "R" was pulled off all of his Marshall stacks, and the letters rearranged.....
#7: Played in a southern bar, and refused a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a toot on a hash pipe, and a bag of pork rinds, one right after another.
#8: The lead singer sold him out after his tattoo was judged "haram" and he was booted from the band;
#9: Played a gig in Georgia and called Charley Daniels a "big, fat, fruitboot-wearing gasbag!" Subsequently turned himself in to the Witness Protection Agency.