Words just fail me.....

-(lady in blue bikini thinks):
'I hate a lot of things about this job, but these damned team-building 'trust exercises' are at the top of my list!'

-"Come on, Squeaky, come to the light! Come out, now! I have some nice new cedar shavings in your cage! Squeeeeeaky! Got a carrot here for you! Dammit, Liz, next time use your own damn gerbil!"

-"Hey, this is a real Rolex! What bar did you find this guy in again?"

-"What did I have for lunch? White Castles and onion rings, why?"

-"Well, I seem to have fallen for a variation of the old 'Can you help me find my lost contact lens' trick, haven't I?"

-"Geez, and I always thought Butch Wax was for wood floors!"

-"No, this is the wrong shade of touch-up paint. Don't move, I'll just run over to Pep Boys again..."

-"Oh, I see the problem; you're supposed to peel the damn eggs first!"

-"Look, I'm sorry, but.. Well, quit giggling, and you could hear me! I SAID IT WILL HAVE TO COME OUT! I CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE BATTERIES!"

-"Honest, Ed, you really can't see them. I'm afraid if I dab any more styptic pencil on them, they might never drop back out!"

-Jobs Americans Won't Do, Example #2343: Starfish Polisher.

-"Yes, you're right, it was going very well. Yes, it did sound just like Led Zeppelin's version. But may I suggest that the next time you fart Stairway To Heaven on American Idol , you borrow someone else's wireless mike? I'm beginning to feel that I really don't want it back now...."


-"Yes, now I can see it! A little teeenie road sign tattoo: 'No Entry'. Liz, I gotta hand it to you, you are the lesbian's lesbian."

-"No, I'm sorry, I really don't hear the seashore. I am thinking of Long John Silver's for lunch, though...."

"Yeth, the kegel exchersithes have reawwy paid ovv! Now pleath lea go ov my tongue!"

"Ha, ha, I get it, '#6: polish the back door', real funny. Look, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll just check out one of the other sororities on this campus......."

Hey, brother.......

"Next time you 'fix me up with a hot mama' and Cynthia McKinney shows up, you'll be LUCKY just to need crutches, know what I'm saying??"

"No, Tyrone, it's true, I WAS really happy you invited me to your Amway party. Just like THIS is a novelty cigarette lighter I've got jammed into your back."

"You think because you a pacifist, I ain't taking your lunch money, beeyatch? You want me to break the other leg?"

Down on my knees, beggin' ya please....

"Alright, alright already! By the power invested in me, I dub thee 'Sir Plantsalot'! Now get back to hustling mulch, Juan, before I kick your soggy ass back across the Rio Grande!"

"Yeah, I'll say 'Sheriff don't like it!' And I got twenty deputies here to rock YOUR casbah!"

"*ghuuuuuur* JUST BECAUSE MY HELMET, CLOAK AND UNIFORM ARE AT THE DRY CLEANERS DOES NOT MAKE YOUR DISRESPECT ALLOWABLE! *ghuuuuur* BUT YOUR APOLOGY IS ACCEPTED! *ghuuuuur*"

"You in a heap a' trouble, boy!"


"Look, for the last time: I meant what I said after you hired the billboard, after you hired the skywriter plane, and ESPECIALLY after you've busted into this press conference: I won't marry you. Because I'm not gay, this isn't Massachusetts, and I'm already married. To a woman. Besides, I don't believe the kid is mine, either."

"Get married at a public beach? Great! What could go wrong?"

"Sorry, Reverend, Jennifer, I think I just turned gay....."

"Hey, would somebody get that guy down there on the beach to quit yelling: 'YOU'll BE SOOOOOOORRRRY!'???"

"Hey, Reverend, is it too late to make it 'I promise to love, honor, cherish, and not become a gross sweathog?' Because it's a deal killer otherwise."

"Well, Jen, we can scratch Sea World from the honeymoon. I just saw Shamu!"

"I....I can't believe one of my ex-girlfriends would try to ruin my wedding like this!"
"I can't believe it either, Jennifer. But all those women's golf trophies in your apartment should have given me a clue....."

(thinks): "Man, People magazine was right, Britney really has let herself go!"

"I know your mother put him up to this, Jennifer, but if she thinks this will make me loan your brother the money for the rest of the operations, she's crazy!"

"Sorry. Sorry. Can we start over right before I yelled, 'NICE COWSKIN TRUNKS THERE, BOSSY!'?? It won't happen HEY, ARE YOU TOPLESS BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE MOOOOOOOOOD? again. Sorry."

"Jennifer, I hate to break this to you, but there will be no sex on our honeymoon. Mr. Winkie has just ran up my spine and hidden behind my pancreas."